My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
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Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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