I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
