How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
