you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
