you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize