when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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