I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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