Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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