Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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