i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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