Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
