just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
