what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
