I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
