I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
