I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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