textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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