I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
