____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
