I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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