I want to make a zoo with you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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