Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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