Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
