It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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