I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
