I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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