apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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