piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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