I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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