he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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