You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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