when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
