I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
