I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
