Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
