if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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