It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
