She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
