i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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