the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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