So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
