I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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