Your face is a jimmy john
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
