T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
