life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
