would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
