I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
