my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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