also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
