my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
