You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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