i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
