I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
