Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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