Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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